Okay so updates:

I got into every class that I wanted/needed to at UCSD. Huge blessing. I'm only going to be taking 12 units, to get myself adjusted, and I won't have school on Tuesdays. I have a gap between my classes to be used to studying at the UCSD gym (I'm taking an ab class mondays and wednesdays) and I'm totally excited and I start in a week and a half. I need my books...

Brayton starts work tomorrow night on Christmas, BUT he has two places that are interested in him for a hospital job (checking patients in, answering phones, etc.), one near where his dad works (him and his dad can carpool if he gets hired there) and one in La Jolla (by me!). So that way exciting, and hopefully he won't be working this night job too long!

Christmas is tomorrow, which means Anniversary celebrations tonight (aka exchanging presents...our celebrations will continue on Sunday and sometime next week). I can't believe I've been with Brayton for a year, it seems like just the other day he kissed me for the first time, and at the same time it's like I can't remember when he wasn't in my life. That boy is truly my other half, my one true love. I'm so blessed to have him and all you other women should be jealous ;).

WOOT ALL DONE WITH COMMUNITY COLLEGE!

You have no idea how good that feels. I'm finally going to be at the school I'm going to graduate from! And in 2 and a half years I'll be all done and have my degree!

Bad news: So Brayton is going to start working the night shift at a group home, and of course he's given the WORST schedule ever. Thursday night - Sunday night, (ha whereas I work mostly Monday-Friday), which means he can't go to church in the morning, he has to stop playing in the jwalk band, and we can't work in Sunday School anymore. I'll probably go to Skyline with him on Saturday evenings before his work, that way we can still worship together, but still! Ah, God, You work in mysterious ways...

 and I'm going to be a UCSD triton come January! YAYYY. 

totally stoked about that. It'll be fun...the drive won't...but the rest will. I feel smart. 

And what else. Brayton started his new job, he likes it. But he's still on the lookout for a better one or another part time one. I'm tutoring still, like always, and trying to get CHICmath started up (my soon to be math help website for women). So that's pretty much it. 

Fun new things are on the horizon and I'm excited.

 Okay so the past week has been very stressful but it's getting better. I found out that two people I'm tutoring are still failing their classes which is a real blow if you're they're tutor. But, I know it's not entirely my fault, one kid refuses to do his homework on the days I don't see him, and my other failing student hasn't taken math for 40+ years so it's harder to get her to understand concepts. Nevertheless, it's still hard to hear sometimes.

Then I guess all my professors decided that they ALL want to give tests during the same time period, ha ha. Not much fun for me, had a test Monday, one today, and then one on Tuesday. Not too much fun, but at least the physics one is over with since that's what I was stressing the most about. Blah, I don't like school.

Anyway, so lately I've been thinking about some other things to do with my time. I feel like I need a project (which is probably the last thing I need as far as time goes but oh well), so I've considered writing again, and I have a plot line that's been in my head for around 6 months now. I worked out a timeline for it and everything and I really dig it.

That, or/and I'm thinking about starting a blog about math concepts. Boring sort of, I know, but throughout my tutoring career I've seen person after person struggling and it breaks my heart to see people, ESPECIALLY girls, think that they don't have the brain to do math. Honestly, I sit in my math class and there are, maybe 3 other girls in that class with me. I think society has put into female's brains that we are supposed to be more creative and be in an English field rather then mathematics because thats what "men" are supposed to be good at. Yes, I think math is more of a man's way of thinking, but there is nothing that says women can't excel in that field either. I want to blog about teaching math concept from basic math all the way to pre-calc that's primarily told in a way for females to understand. I can't physically tutor everyone, but at least I can try to tutor over the internet. Honestly...4 girls in a math class and 25 boys? That needs to change I think. Besides, generally the more math you take the higher pay you'll get in your career...

Anyway that's what I have been thinking.  Other news...Brayton got a new job at PacSun, he's going to put in his two weeks notice at American Eagle tomorrow, which is good..I mean he's not making as much money as he'd like but it will be a change of scenery and he'll get more hours and he won't have to work with his lame store manager anymore. Hmm what else. He and I have a date to go to Julian on Friday which I have been looking forward to since we planned it 3 weeks ago! Picnic, pie, cider, lake Cuyamaca, canoeing, apple picking. It'll be a good time, a long needed date that isn't the movies...and best of all, it's pretty cheap. 

Okay, that is all, time for lunch and then my Linear Algebra test, wa hoo! 

 Lets see, what is going on in the life of me?

I've still been really busy, to the point that I have turned to coffee to make it through my day (I used to function just fine without it, but alas...). Haha once it hit like 2 o clock I would always start to like seriously fall asleep. Days are long but they're going, I'm making money, and conquering school so things are good. Next semester though, I'm NOT taking a morning class at 8 am AND a night class from 5:30-10. I have no time to nap!!

I can't believe it's halfway through September already, the semester is going by pretty fast (the days just aren't) which is exciting. The sooner this semester is over the better!

Brayton and I are having our 1 year and 3/4 anniversary this month (leave it to me to figure out the fraction for it!) so I THINK we're going to head up to Julian this month to eat all things apple haha. He's been busy lately trying to find a new job ( a better paying one) so keep him in your prayers about that...I believe he's going to PacSun today to meet with the district manager there. A new job= more money+benefits= A REALLY GOOD THING. haha. 

thats all in the life of me! and that probably won't really change, haha my life for the present is pretty stuck in the same routine. :)

 So biggest news, I have like 1859738694 hours now for tutoring (okay, more like 16) which is AMAZING because I'll get lots more money then last semester! Very very very good. Praise the Lord for that!

School is okay, same old same old. Haha same people, same college, same classrooms, same subjects. But it'll be good. Although Chemistry is my demise and I hate it a lot (okay, I hate LABS a lot...I don't like the write ups) but I shall persevere...but only because I have to. 

However, between the tutoring and school I have hardly any free time at all during the week. Perhaps on the weekend if I don't have too much schoolwork and am not hanging out with my boy to make sure that he doesn't feel neglected. Whew it's been a long time since I've been busy!!

Brayton&I are bueno like almost always. I love him with all of my heart!

Bye bye.

 Ah back from vacation.

It was fun, but a little long in my opinion. Although I did catch some fish, go tubing, hit up a waterpark, and watch my Padres kick Brewer butt. So yeah, we had fun most days :) Next year I think Brayton might come with us which will make everything better!

Tomorrow I'm going out to look at cars! Hopefully I'll buy one on Monday, finally!! It'll be nice to have a new car. Plus I'll have air conditioning! Thank the LORD.

School starts a week from Monday, excited but kind of not. All I want is this semester over and then I can change schools. So many changes this year!!

Brayton and I are dandy, haha lots of kisses recently though, 2 weeks makes you miss them...alot. Haha. He had an interview with a bank, I hope he gets a call, but if not then he'll go out job hunting some more. 

I NEED TUTOR PEOPLE. 

I could trust him like I used to.

It will happen with time, I know it will...but I don't like that he doesn't like that I can't.

anyway, I leave for Wisconsin in a little over a week and I'm honestly not that excited. Wisconsin usually equals boredom. Well it'd be fun if it wasn't drawn out for two weeks. I could handle one week, but two is too long. it'll be the first time that Brayton and I have ever been apart for that long. Haha we've broken up for three weeks, but the longest I've gone without seeing him has been...a week? hahaha. but that's what cell phones are for....

So I think I'll be getting a new car soon, like in a month. I'll have to make car payments but thats ok...AC again! I'm excited. And school starts in a month or so...my last semester at community college. My app for UCSD is turned in and ready to go. Come winter I'll be at UCSD. I have kids lined up to tutor in the fall, it'll be good.  

One of my good friends from high school eloped?! Random.


is it bad i'm a little jealous? i want to be married so bad, bummer that money matters so much.... 

 Things are better now then they were the last time I posted. 

brayton came back for me, on his birthday. He bought me pretty yellow flowers, and stood outside my window with a john legend song playing from his car.

So for the most part, things are back to normal...it's just I have that voice in the back of my head telling me to proceed with caution. And I hate it because whenever he tells me that he loves me, all that my head says is "really? because you've said that before and then you questioned it...". I don't like not being able to trust him. *sigh* but I guess time shall be the test. 

I mean, I did learn a lot from those three weeks. I learned just how much my friends do care for me, ALL of them. Camille, Angela, Nathan, Corey, and Jen especially. They all either listened to me rant on end, or opened their homes for me to stay in, or provided the time to be with me. It still brings tears to my eyes to think about, how truly loved I felt by all my friends. I got so wrapped up in school, work, and Brayton that I hardly got to really talk to anyone until he left, (although the fact that it was the beginning of summer also helped). I'm trying really hard now to be the friend to them as they all were to me to them.

What I do love though, is that even though Brayton and I are back together he lets me, and encourages me, to spend time with others aside from him. Before, it didn't matter because I never had plans with others, but because of the break up I made some. I still am going on a road trip, I'm still taking gym classes with Jen, everything is just working out okay, and I like that.




Subject change.
So today I turned 20 years old. My teenage years are all behind me, and it's a little bittersweet. I'm SO excited for these next couple years, graduating college, getting married, getting a regular job, etc. etc. Like, I believe that these are the years I can flourish. I wasn't much of anything in high school, but here, in real life...where your smarts get you something, where it doesn't matter how cool you are...I think I can really grow. It seems like sort of everything is falling into place: I'm with the love of my life, I know my major, I can make my own money. I look around at my friends, and it seems like for a majority of them they are completely lost, my own boyfriend included, and still are unsure of what they want to do, but I'm not.

However, there are those days that are all done now. Yesterday Brayton and I watched the Rancho Crew video I made two years ago. We were so carefree back then, just running around doing crazy stuff. There was so much joy with hardly any responsibility. And then my brothers come home from camp and, especially with Robbie, they're having all these adventures that I had, the adventures that I can't have again. Robbie told me about how they all danced on the square, all the petty crushes, and the random trends that would happen. I'd give so much just to be able to go back to my final week as a camper. But I can't, now if I go to camp, I'll be a couselor. It takes on a whole different form of adventure, but it will never be the same as being eighteen and being pushed into pools, having water balloons breaking over my head, and eyeing the cute boy standing next to me. 

But, thats what happens when you grow up. You leave things behind and look forward to things ahead. There's always an adventure out there, they shift and change as we do. they won't be the exact same from our youth, but they will be fun still. 





Currently:
I'm going on a road trip on Monday.
I'm taking regular yoga and kickboxing classes.
I'll be learning how to cook starting in a couple weeks.
I am really loving life and this summer. I'm doing things that I've wanted to do. And I'm finding new adventures to go on, and loving it.

but I think things might be looking up?


please, please, please...
I can't take this anymore. 

 how can this ever be fixed?

how can I ever be whole ever again?

how can I love life when the love of my life is gone?

 Things are much better. :)

Brayton and I went out to Barnes & Noble, Hooley's, and Starbucks and had a great night just talking. I very much enjoyed it.

But he is taking next week to be by himself so I'll be very bored if anyone (*coughangelaorcamillecough*) wants to hang out. I'm actually sort of looking forward to just a week off so I can see everybody else and get some stuff done! Boyfriends do take up a lot of time (even if I love that time) and I need a reboot on all my other relationships!

Speaking of, tonight I'm going out to Buca di Beppo with Braytons sisters. I don't know if they've ever been there but I do hope they like it. It's just me and them so pray for me that I don't say or do something to screw everything up! (hahahahhahaha maybe we'll run into Vincent LOL)

So I'm thinking of being a part of the Big Brothers, Big Sisters, program and getting a little sister. I think that would be a lot of fun but you have to make the commitment for a year so I'm still trying to figure out if I can do that or not. AND i'm thinking about training for a marathon (not running it all, Lord knows I can't do that, but maybe walking it. I'D LOVE having other people do it with me!)

only one more regular week of school :)))))))

 All my tutoring kids have been canceling lately.

Shannon gets mono; Ariana, Natalie, and Callie all aren't tutoring due to testing; and Eduardo hasn't had any math homework in a week. this sucks. 

I need a new job.

 But alas, here I am. the last I updated was around christmas time haha.

So, what has happened in my life?

Well this school semester is pretty fun. I've made lots of new friends (well they aren't new persay...most of them were in my classes last semester but this time we're actually all friends), which makes school more enjoyable. HOWEVER, this semester is still really hard which is pretty lame. All of my grades right now are on the borderline which always worries me. I'm trying to get all A's but who knows if that will actually happen. I'm set on transferring after the fall semester for the winter quarter at UCSD which is pretty exciting. I also get my AA in math after the fall semester too. This college thing is beginning to seem a little more worthwhile now. 

Aside from that I've done next to nothing exciting. My free time is almost all taken up by tutoring, homework, and brayton. Tutoring and homework is the same every week, and nothing me and brayton do is uber exciting either. I mean, dinner isn't the most exciting thing to do after months of doing the exact same thing. I've been so discouraged lately. I want to do SOMETHING exciting! I mean, Brayton was in the Office, Angela was in a beauty pageant, Camille is going to Australia to do photography, and what am I doing? Tutoring and school. The same as last semester. I want to do something fun and amazing, but I don't even know what to do. I'm stuck in a rut and I don't know how to get out! I don't want to be boring...I want to live up my college years, I just can't seem to do so. 

Enough rant about THAT. What else? Brayton and I are still good (16 months on saturday). He makes me smile so much, and I thank God for him every night. He really does bring out the more fun side in me, and I love that. I need someone to make me act silly. 

Oh, I'm not going on the mission trip anymore either. Semi-bummer but I also feel a big weight lifted off my shoulders. I also get to keep my $1000 now. that's always nice. 

I believe that's all for now. Hopefully it won't be another 4 months until I update.

 

DONE WITH ENGLISH FOREVER. 

yes. FOREVER. that makes me so happy. :))))))))

and I'm also done with Physics for the semester, only two classes left to worry about.

one quiz, one test, and one final stands in my way of being done with this semester...


So enough of school. Work is going...eh. Nothing too exciting there. I don't get a terrible amount of money, but good enough. I have $1000 saved. only like $12 thousand more until a new carrrrrrr!!!!!


And then after that new car I get to save for LIFE (mostly a wedding). Me and Brayton seriously had an hour and a half long serious talk about our wedding. We used to think we were going to wait until we're both out of college...haha now it's like "we'll wait at least one more year". I love it. Gosh, I'm growing up. haha. Corey and Jen will probably get married sometime next year, and then me and brayton...time flies.

ANYWHO. my actual current life! Brayton and I went to Christmas on the Prado last Saturday. That was pretty fun. We ate food. haha. This weekend we're going to help Corey put up Christmas lights and then we're going to babysit at brayton's house. 

Aw, it was so nice today. Ever since Brayton helped Corey cook food for the Angel Tree, everyone at church has been telling me how nice Brayton is. Like the other Sunday, Mrs. Smith was telling me how fabulous he was and then tonight Dena was telling me how he's the best guy for me and that she more then approves (barbie agreed). It's just nice knowing that Brayton is getting in with all the people I know at Gateway. 

really excited for swing dancing tonight. and christmas on the prado tomorrow.

and my physics class is done. YAY!

I have a research paper due monday that I haven't started yet (whoops).  

 again. bummer.

WHY. 
...is physics so hard?
...can't I be married now?
...is my time all gone?
...is money so scarce?
...do friendships fail?
...can't people make good decisions?
...does pain refuse to go away sometimes?
...is everything so boring?
...does everything stress me out?
...does everything I'm working towards seem so far away?
...am I in such a rut?


...because everyone would be engineers if it was easy.
...because I have no money and I'm too young.
...because school sucks.
...because I'm a college student.
...because people aren't perfect, and things happen.
...because people are selfish.
...because life isn't easy.
...because I've done everything here.
...because that's just what I do.
...because that's the hard part about being young.
...because I need an adventure.

yes, an adventure would be nice. Get away from everything for a while with friends and just focus on having fun. but school and work remain and money isn't around...so stuck I am. *sigh*

on a better note. Today was mine and brayton's 11 month anniversary. WOO big deal. haha. Not really, but in a month it will be. The milestone one year! We decided we're going to drive up to Julian (not ON our one year since that would be on Christmas) and spend the day up there (hopefully in the snow) and drink cider and just be with each other. It'll be fun.

thanksgiving is on thursday, thats exciting since school is out (and that is really something I am thankful for) and brayton and I are thanksgiving hopping from my house to his. i'm going to weigh 35894758947 pounds when it is over. haha.

four more weeks.

and then this semester is OVER.

then christmas! :) 

so brayton and I watched P.S. I Love You last night.

it made me cry.

like four different times.

mostly because I can see myself as Holly and Brayton as Jerry. I know that if Brayton were to die I'd be SUCH a wreck, like she was, but I also know that Brayton would be the type of person to do the letter thing and want me to move on. Not to mention that Brayton WAS Jerry...irish songs, love of ireland, outgoing type...haha it was really funny. and Holly, shoe lover, not outgoing, kinda quiet...thats me!

oh and the fact that Judy Garland was in the movie was absolutely hilarious. Brayton was so disgusted and refused to listen or watch the movie during that. :) thats my boy.



so it's weird but lately I've been getting all this stuff told to me about getting married young and how that's okay. Like not even from the secular world, but from all these Christian people. In my mind I always thought it was best to wait until you're done with college and are in a stable career. But I talked to Gabe, who disagreed, and I was reading a magazine that Brayton's mom lent me and it was about all these couples talking about their wedding day. the majority of them were engaged after only a year of dating. I mean is it that smart to do?

I think Brayton and I decided that I have to AT LEAST be transferred to UCSD and have a different job then tutoring. And he would need a job too...but then I think we'd be ok. so who knows...maybe by the time i'm 21...I'll be engaged. :)